Rhizoboy

I’m not one to usually write about dreams but a dream I had last night was so vivid, it won’t leave my thoughts.

After a night of dancing where I met several new friends we took a bus home. A strange bus mind you, full of gays getting back to the suburbs. Upon arriving we turn on the TV and they are televising Australia’s first big gay marriage. It was beautiful, a large altar covered with satin, the grooms standing hand in hand, one in grey one in beige (I know right, but looked ok) and a celebrant, who looked more like a circus conductor, dressed in white with a black vest. There were three gorgeous male models on the altar, one lying down seductively with shorts and a very beautiful singlet, representing desire. Another standing in the middle just off to the side of the grooms, wearing a casual outfit of jeans and white shirt representing companionship. The third was on what looked like a cross, but not a crucifix, instead it was more like a pillar. He was dressed with the most amazing costume I’ve ever seen (how my mind created it I’m not sure). Draped in a white loose fitting shirt that was decorated with iridescence, black leather pants embroided with a pattern that danced up his legs but the best feature was a mask. A masquerade mask, with a long nose, encrusted with diamonds and jewels, the eyes were visible covered in dark eye liner, his gaze was held to the floor his legs were crossed and his arms open. He represented mystery, the great unknown, the challenge of navigating a union between two souls for eternity. To end the ceremony, each groom sprinkled white feathers over each model signifying their commitment to each other and to what each pillar stood for.

That’s how I want to get married. I hope Australia has the courage and strength to move out of oppression and move into a modern dynamic culture where everyone is truly equal.

Ever get that feeling that you’re living inside a body that is on autopilot? The feeling that although sometimes you’re in control, for the most part you’re simply along for the ride?

The come down from moving here was hard hitting from the months of planning, restless sleep broken with late night phone calls, tears as I was held close and told that this is something I have to do… and saying goodbye to possibilities. I find myself running beside a force that is pulling me through this experience, like I am a small fleck of iron in the grip of a powerful magnet, nothing can break the connection, except breaking the laws of the universe itself.

I love it here, I love the people, the city, the chaos and confusion amidst the underlying order. This city has a brutal honesty, it has a way of staring you in the soul and asking you “why are you here, are you ready for this?”. Complete submission, the loss of control of what’s outside gives you the strength to finally see what’s inside, what has been there all along… a steering wheel.

I reflect, I study, for now… I rest.

When life outside is spinning I look to the stars to ground me.

I sit, I breath, for now… I understand that things must be this way.

I give my mind freely to its purpose.

I wonder, I grieve, for now… I simply sigh.

My heart, the mast that guides the vessel of my soul, is splintered.

I cry, I stumble, for now… I try and remember.

My love is precious, I gave it to those who abused it, why?

I look, I blink, for now… I lift my gaze to the stars.

My mind is powerful, my heart is mended, for now… and always… I love myself.